A.D.D. + Creative Impulses = No Drive to Complete a Task July 25, 2008

Here are my various skills/crafts/things I do instead of homework:

~Knitting

~Crocheting

~Painting

~Jewelry-making

~Scrapbooking

~Photography

~Photo-manipulation

~Drawing

~Writing

~Graphic Design

And there are infinite juvenile things like friendship bracelets, needlepoint and the like that I keep stashed under my bed. The above list contains only the crafts and arts that I have dedicated large amounts of time to. I knitted for about six months straight last year, crocheted for one month, took a graphic design class, paint at random intervals during the year, have recently dedicated huge chunks of time to photography and photomanipulation, worked on jewelry-making for a few months, and completed one and a half scrapbooks. Drawing and writing are incessant, and have been for about… my entire life.  But the problem is that I am constantly shifting, and rotating them, and I can’t just pick one to to work at. I remain at only a novice skill level in any of the above, and it’s because I can’t stay dedicated to any of them.

 

Anyway, this is a pointless rant basically stemming from a huge case of writer’s block, which has been festering for nigh on a month and that is irritating the crap out of me. I love my story, and my characters (and the ones I write that aren’t technically mine…) and the fact that I sit at my computer and don’t work on that story is stupid. It’s only because I’m not writing major action scenes or critical plot points that I can’t come up with anything. Anything less than that is difficult for me, and I avoid it. But no story can be comprised of only action, or only major plot, there has to be a slight lull in the storyline every so often just to keep things tied together. Right, Miriam? Or am I crazy? Because that’s entirely possible too.

 

But the issue that I have with all my other crafts is the lull in the action. That point in the scarf-knitting process where progress is less-than-noticable, and the part of photography when I run out of scenes to capture. Any lack of action, or any drudge-work where there is nothing to show for it makes me crazy. I blame the A.D.D. that I haven’t yet been diagnosed with.

 

Thanks for listening to me rant, Miriam.

Epic Fail. Part of a Balanced Breakast. July 24, 2008

So yeah. I have at least one serving of Fail everyday for breakfast. Why breakfast, you ask? Well, it’s because the fail usually occurs before or immediately after I get out of bed. On the wrong side, of course.

 

I begin to wonder, if you get up on the wrong side of the bed consistently enough, does it become the right side? And then do you have to switch sides in order to stay on the wrong side, or does switching sides make you less grumpy, because it retains its innate right-side-of-the-bed-ness?

 

Anyway, I’ve been really grumpy for the past couple weeks. It doesn’t seem to be letting up at all, and I’m constantly feeling tired and worn out. Even when I get up in the morning, my eyelids are heavy, and my limbs ache, and I just want to roll over and go back to sleep. I can’t stand it. All day long I want to nap, and the oddest things piss me off to no end. While I’m at work, I can keep a real smile on my face, but only for about a four-hour stretch at a time. When I get home I don’t want to deal with my family, I don’t want to sit down and have to put up with the screaming and the wrestling and the messes, I just want them to f*cking clean up after themselves and  sit quietly. But they are stuck in mess-making mode.

 

In short I’m tired. All the time. Every effing minute of my day is permeated by tiredness. I went into the doctor’s office complaining of chronic fatigue, and the first thing she asks me is if I think I’m depressed.

 

Well let me think about that one for a second… no, the FREAKING ANTI-DEPRESSANTS OUGHT TO BE TAKING CARE OF THAT. So she goes through another list of possiblities, which are summed up in the 57 blood tests I have to have done, and the night I am going to get to spend in a sleep lab, and the possible nasal reconstruction that I was slated for at eight months of age. So for now I just need to get about nine hours of sleep a night, put myself on a diet because I’m a fatass, and EXCERCISE. That’s right. For now, the cure for chronic fatigue is to sleep, eat less, and exercise. Why did I pay for this visit? Oh yeah, so you could NOT give me a straight answer, sign me up for a bajillion tests, and possible surgery, and then recommend something I can’t possibly have thought up on my own.

 

Doctor: 1, Jackie: 0.

 

I’m getting really tired of this game, God. Can I just lose now and have it be done with?

 

GOALS TO BE COMPLETED BEFORE AUGUST 23rd:

~ Lose 10 pounds.

~ Discover why the f*ck I’m so tired.

~ Find a way to remember to actually post on this damn thing.

Life’s a Picnik. July 15, 2008

Hooray for new hobbies! I have recently discovered a fascination with photography. And even more fascinating to me is photo-editing. Any boob with a camera can take a picture. It’s taken me some practice to get some good photos, and even more time and practice to be able to manipulate the colors and focus of a picture to make it stunning. I know Miriam’s the only one reading this so far, and she’s well aware of my new obsession, but I just wanted to trot out another set of manipped pics. I am in love with www.picnik.com as my #1 photo-editing source, and I use Adobe Photoshop when necessary. And so, with about 2 hours left until my midnight deadline for today, I leave you with my most recent creation:

The Island Breezes July 14, 2008

So I’ve already failed at my Post Every Day resolution, but my excuse is that I spent the day in the car and the night at a hotel and etc, etc… yeah. I’ve already forgiven myself.

 

But now I’m writing from gorgeous Hilton Head Island, South Carolina, which is no where near as gorgeous at Miriam’s Virgin Islands, but it works on my budget. There isn’t much to say about it yet because I haven’t even been here 24 hours, but so far I’ve been to the beach and been eaten by about 23057204 mosquitos. I LOVE HHI!

NO! I REFUSE TO SUCCUMB TO THE APATHY! July 12, 2008

I always do this! I start a blog, I think to myself, “Wow, this one’s gonna be a keeper, for sure. There’s no way I’ll ignore this one for three months and then forget the password like I did the last fourteen.” And then three months later, there’s blog number fifteen, gathering cyber dust.

 

I won’t do it this time! I won’t do it! I refuse! There may be no one reading this, but eventually there will be! Because I am epically delusional, and under the impression that SOMEONE SOMEWHERE wants to know what’s going on in my mind! I don’t even care if it’s for a case study! Also, apparently blogging is therapeutic. I wouldn’t know, because I’ve never done it for a long enough stretch of time, but I could certainly use any free therapy I can get my hands on.

So my resolution for the next month, until I leave again for school, is to post SOMETHING every day. It’ll probably just be me bitchin’ about my job, or the madre, or various uninteresting things (like my hobbies…) but I WILL DO IT. TODAY IS DAY ONE. THE FIRST DAY OF THE REST OF MY LIFE. I REFUSE TO LET APATHY MOVE IN ON MY TURF AND TAKE MY LIFE FROM ME.

 

I know it seems like I’m making a mountain out of a molehill– I mean, come on Jackie. It’s just a free weblog. No one’s even reading it. But to tell the truth, Apathy and I have been locked in an epic battle for my life for a little while now. I have recently preferred sleeping to living, and I have a hard time getting up to go do things. I prefer to sit. On my ass. All day long. That’s not good. So this is step one of my eleventy-something step program to taking my life back from the apathy monster. I can do this. I will do this. And I will love life again. It’s gonna happen. Just you wait and see.